Gesundheit. Well, looking at the state of my blog, I can understand the urge to sneeze.

For the past few months I’ve been quite the busy man; trying to score my exams (more on that later), trying to balance my work/fun/love life (which I cannot conciliate – or balance), and for the past few weeks, trying desperately to get a shot at my report proposal.

All of which is slowly, and surely, is falling down on me.

The exams turned out to be the usual curse and bane of my not-so-studious meh-tods of study: for all the hard work, proper sleep and improper exam diet I went through, I cannot get that elusive mark on the paper. It is so disappointing that I cannot even fathom how I can get such marks.

ehem.

A car has four wheels, and even as it is an improperly balanced car is a bitch to drive (as an aspiring getaway driver, I know how hard it is to keep an unbalanced car straight). My life has three wheels – work, fun, and love. I need a fourth wheel, the fourth variable to balance it out. Why? Ever tried to balance three things on a single fulcrum?

Let’s just face it. I am so accustomed to keeping my life compartmentalized that meshing them together drive me, well, bonkers. I’m used to not letting people from different aspects of my life knowing the other, but due to the insistence of a certain person… Let’s just say that it is easier to get an Al-Qaeda operative to confess and give up their secrets, compared to me openly telling everyone everything.

And the last, but not least is this weird thing called a research report. Apparently my internship requires that I do either a case study, or a conclusive research, based on my area of study and also my internship. However, my internship is so far removed from the area of study that I’m having difficulties on (again!) conciliating the two subjects altogether.

Which is why I cannot achieve the conditio sine qua non.

Maybe I should just wing it, and hope for the best.

I regret nothing.

Not my actions since the start of the year, up until now. None of it.

I did not regret calling those responsible stupid. They deserved it, some more than 0thers.

I did not regret switching classes. It was the most liberating decision I have done.

I did not regret taking the intersession. I may not be part of the elite few now, but at least I know my priorities.

I did not regret not going to the various debate tourneys. I know my priorities.

I did not regret leaving my kids out on the open, fending themselves out. It is not their fault that our program has only one senior member.

I did not regret being left out. It afforded my the best opportunity to discover who is the most likeliest to lie and stab me.

I did not regret having my photo torn out of the chart. You just gave me an excuse to leave.

I did not regret paying the full and bloated sum for a shirt. You just gave me the ammunition to further discredit you.

I did not regret spending tremendous amount of money on food. I now know both gluttony and starvation.

I did not regret my decision to call everything off. It was satisfying seeing you dig your own grave.

I did not regret leaving with a sullied name. At least I know what I did to deserve it.

I did not regret posting this. At the very least, I am consistent in my anger, in my clarity of thought, in my honesty.

Ya know, if I didn’t know better, you started to grow some balls right after I left.

Calling me names is as juvenile as it can be, much less when you ran out of things to call out. Seriously, that’s all you can think of? An extinct, flightless bird?

Rotund arsehole, you have serious issues, not to mention reading deficiencies.

Now, here’s the thing. I am so pissed at you, I’m itching to have a little tête-à-tête with you… Your head with the head of my cute claw-hammer. I may be all smiles and jokes, but if people like your rotundness starts crossing the line, I can be your worse nightmare… especially when it involves “re-educating” people just like you.

A friendly word of advice, O Rotund Presidente: there are people out there that hungers your blood, and I’m the tamest amongst them.

You can bet your sorry fart-laden rotund ass that when I’m done with you, it’s just the beginning…

Word of the day: We’ve only just begun…♣

I always had this… condition (if you can call it THAT), which surfaces every time I was subjected to incessant yammering and holier-than-thou attitude.

Naturally, such… condition does not make a good leader.

I have always this need to get the upper hand, in any situation. To get the last word in, even though it scars others.

That is what haunts me.

A good logistics cannot cover such deformity of character, no matter how well you use your brain, if it cannot control your mouth…

This past few weeks, I have subjected quite a few people to this. It is unnatural. It is insane.

Maybe I was not cut out to become a leader.

Maybe I was not the one that should be the top guy during the last few weeks.

I have tried, yet and yet again.

As always, there will be hearts scarred and faces scowling afterwards. There will always be mutterings as I pass by, harsh words thrown in for good measure, to banish me away from them.

At least I’m honest with my opinions, no matter how misguided or harsh it may be.

Yet, this double-edged sword will somehow swing by and cut me off someday.

And what am I doing?

Slogging through the textbook and notes.

Time has indeed run out on me.

Let’s rock this joint.

I guess we all need change every now  and then, eh?

It’s a work in progress, and on top of exams and the upcoming intersession…

You get what I mean.

Be on the watch for another fic, already got the framework done.

The man prayed. It was a fervent prayer, although he’s not always faithful or even zealous in his display of faith, he remains true to the one religion he was born into.

He was by no means a good man. He has sinned, some of it big, but mostly small ones here and there. But as he prayed, asking for forgiveness and absolution, deep down he knew he would not get it now.

I’m looking for a complication
Looking cause I’m tired of lying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly

The man finished his prayers, folded the mat, and changed into his ‘normal’ clothes.

~*~

With slow, measured steps he walked from his car to the building. A few passerby said their hellos and mornings, all of which he answered. A laptop bag slung over one shoulder, his black patent leather shoes taking each measured stride with a firm clack upon the tarmac road. As he approached the lobby, his mind forced him to recall back on the test he was due to give to the first class of the day. He remembered that one of the questions didn’t seem right, and even his dearest wife told him that when she proofread the questions last night…

“Good morning prof.”

The voice of his favourite student brought him back to reality.

“Good morning.”

The young man is an attentive student, bright and full of questions and insight. A brilliant mind hidden behind a facade of obscurity and denial… and he, as the advisor for this particular young man, wanted to break that obscurity, turning this lump of coal into a sparkling diamond.

“Decided yet on your research thesis?”

A small shake is all the answer he needs. He lets a sigh, both at the student and the crowd in the lift lobby. Some things are constant in life. Death, taxes, and the morning rush hour at KBM.

“You cannot delay much longer. After your classes for the day, come to my office. We’ll sort it out. And you can help me mark the Staffing test papers. I need to be home early today, my kid is home for the weekend. So we got to stock up the pantry and fridge.”

The smirk on the young man’s face when he mentions the test papers made him smile.

“You got it prof. 2.30 sounds okay to you?”

~*~

The young man closed the door behind him, not before pausing to read the name on the door… getting the same feeling he got when he first had to knock on the man’s door.

“Be careful what you say around him! He’s a former debater!”

“His soo sarcastic, he could make concrete melt if he spits on it!”

“You can never bullshit him in classes. And his test papers are practically hard for people expecting the answers could be found in textbooks.”

“He refers to textbooks, not teach from it.”

“He’s a tough marker! You bullshit him, he’ll bullshit you twice the amount!”

He sat down, putting his laptop bag on the floor. The professor had already begun marking the test papers. He did not even look at the student’s direction; he merely pointed out a pile of answer sheets, with the answer key at the top.

“You know what to do. Finish up early, I’ll take you to the mamak shop.”

~*~

They had talked for almost two hours. The professor had already sent three messages through his mobile phone. For an old man he types really fast! I guess that’s the boon of living in the Age of Information…

They had ironed out his thesis, gotten a few ideas written down… After the older man paid for their meal and drinks, they walked towards the staffs’ parking lot, in front of the library.

“Prof, may I ask you a question?”

“You already did, but go on.”

The student rolled his eyes at the lame joke, but went on anyways. “Why are you so formally dressed? And why did you hang out with the debaters? You’re not an English lecturer.”

The man smiled. “That’s two questions and a statement. You’re slipping. No matter, I’ll answer it anyways.”

They had reached his car. A press on the remote unlocked the rear bonnet, revealing a slightly haphazard interior, with a small duffel bag,  two pairs of casual shoes and also the customary toolbox. Joining them is the laptop bag, relieved from the man’s shoulder.

“The answer for the first is very simple. I’m a figure of authority in the campus, despite the fact that I’ll deny it every time there’s a staff meeting. I dress for the occasion, not the occasion dresses me.”

“The second  is somewhat… selfish on my behalf. I like hanging out with students who are much more mature for their age in terms of thinking, who knows when and where to let loose ,who actually uses their brains. You know that I was once a debater, right? So, it is fair to say the least, that I impart whatever little skills I have to the kids. And I miss debating, especially the boys and girls who are part of the scene when I was a student, waaaay back in 2010.”

The young man’s eyes bulged at the revelation. “2010? That’s practically twenty years ago!”

“Yeah, we were young then, but not stupid. Just… a bit naive. Looking back, I guess you can never actually predict how well we all turn out to be.”

“Is it true that you guys are addicted to a TV show and kept using lines from it in debates?” That was just a rumour! Seriously, there’s no way they’ll do that!

A pair of greying eyebrows shot up. “Heard of that one, eh? I guess it’s true. We used to do that. Ah, I miss the old crowd. Makes me wonder how the hell we all got where we are now.”

The young man was perplexed. The debaters back then were legend.. (wait for it) dary! They won tournaments, actually putting fear into the books of other established debating universities and colleges! Although they didn’t won much, but they were respected!

Fly along with me, I can’t quite make it alone
Try to make this life my own

“Let’s see….hm… who did I know of still making waves? There’s Addy, who’s coaching the kids when he’s free, along with his wife the YM… Then there’s Rosal, senior partner of his own firm… Alif and his wife Yana in KL, and was here for the VC Cup… there’s Ika in Vienna… and then Dr. Hazim Shah, the motivational speaker… And also Prof. Nik Kamarul in Penang… of Mira I kinda lost contact with her, last I knew of she’s in Wales.. Omar and Ame somewhere in London this time… Fasya, strangely enough, I have no clue where…  And not forgetting the ever jovial Noel back in the ‘States… Hm, who did I miss again? Oh yeah, Finz at TIGS, Azim teaching at Serdang… And Fariz Syah at the Treasury… Mamat still touring with his band… Aina back in Terengganu… Milah teaching here… Suff as one of the adjudicator at Arau Open and lastly myself.”

Hearing all those people, far-flung and still remembered, made the young man realized one thing. Each of his first classes always begins with, what song did you like as your theme song. I never got it until know, why he chose ‘that’ song as his own theme.

“Professor Faris, I think that you’ve flown very well so far.”

“Eh?”

“Your theme song? Foo Fighters?”

“Ah, yes. You can never do it alone, you know. I was a lone wolf back then, but I still need people around me. Take my advice: find that group of people that you can joke around, share stuff, be serious… People that can accept you as who you are, and not because of who you can be. “

The young man nodded. He gave his regards to the professor’s wife and family, declined the invitation for a ride home, and walked towards the library. As the professor turned the ignition, he smiled. I have lived a good life.

Fly along with me, I can’t quite make it alone
Try to make this life my own

I’m looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life (sign of life)
Looking for something to help me burn out bright

(AN: Written as an answer to Omar’s challenge: Ko patut tulis something jugak. Cheers. This is what I envisioned all of us twenty years from now. I could never make it without you guys.)

]]> http://kai626.wordpress.com/2010/04/23/learn-to-fly/feed/ 10 kai626 http://kai626.wordpress.com/2010/04/23/23-on-23/ http://kai626.wordpress.com/2010/04/23/23-on-23/#comments Thu, 22 Apr 2010 16:01:55 +0000 Kai 626 http://kai626.wordpress.com/?p=246 ]]> (AN: I’m writing this at approximately 14:34 hours.)

In a few more hours I’ll be 23 years old.

Yippee.

What possible joy and happiness can I garner from being a year older?

Apparently, a lot.

People may not notice this, but I’m not a true extrovert. I blend in with the crowd (sometimes) but most of the time I stuck out like a red hot poker in the middle of a snowdrift. I’m not a cool cat (that aspect of the family went to ner vod), but I’m the one blessed with the unhealthy amount of rage and hotheadedness.

Yay.

I admit to the fact that I’m abrasive, blunt-to-the-point, dish out highly sarcastic jokes, violent, overly formal, not a party animal, doesn’t mesh with the current generation… This could go on and on and on, but the fact is this: I am my own person.

Adderly once told me this: Let it slide. But it’s hard for me to do that. I cannot let ANYTHING slide off me. I may have a thick skin, but it seeps down to the nerves every time. I take each and every misdeed and humiliating action against me very seriously.

Too seriously sometimes.

Let it slide.

Putting that aside, I can’t believe that I’m going to be 23 years old on 23rd of April. I’m going to be a year older. And my former schoolmates are getting married, or in the process of getting married, or seriously considering marriage… not to mention that several of them already having kids or on the process of getting one…

I feel sooooo old.

But, this year may be a bit bland for me. I’m so far away from my family and my dearest, with the exams and bloody MUET on the next day… I’m not quite in the mood to celebrate my own birthday.

And I can already predict what I’m going to get this year. (it’s sooo predictable when the whole world has a sale on the damn thing.)

I guess beggars can’t be choosers, eh?

Here’s to my wallet, my self and myself.

Happy birthday. May you live to celebrate your next one.

Go figure.

And below is for all of those that may share the same sentiments I have right now.

Do Not Attempt When Alone In Room. Side effects includes concussion, nausea, bumpy head, medical bills, and commitment to a psychiatric evaluation and also a regular visit to your friendly neighborhood shrink.

I Am A: Neutral Good Human Ranger/Sorcerer (2nd/2nd Level)

Ability Scores:

Strength-13

Dexterity-16

Constitution-10

Intelligence-13

Wisdom-16

Charisma-13

Alignment:
Neutral Good A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment because it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.

Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Primary Class:
Rangers are skilled stalkers and hunters who make their home in the woods. Their martial skill is nearly the equal of the fighter, but they lack the latter’s dedication to the craft of fighting. Instead, the ranger focuses his skills and training on a specific enemy a type of creature he bears a vengeful grudge against and hunts above all others. Rangers often accept the role of protector, aiding those who live in or travel through the woods. His skills allow him to move quietly and stick to the shadows, especially in natural settings, and he also has special knowledge of certain types of creatures. Finally, an experienced ranger has such a tie to nature that he can actually draw on natural power to cast divine spells, much as a druid does, and like a druid he is often accompanied by animal companions. A ranger’s Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.

Secondary Class:
Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards, sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through, they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast.

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

Note: I always liked the ranged+magic combat types. Keeps my hand from getting dirty. And like my brother, I also play Dungeon Siege 2. And also a Blood Assassin, another ranger+magic type. Great minds think alike, it seems.